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Do you like Tony Jaa movies? The correct answer is yes, although the more accurate answer is probably “I’m too afraid of Tony Jaa to dislike them.” Ok, so the title of today’s post is a bit pompous because Tony Jaa has only really starred in three films. But the casualty count of those films has already surpassed those of the Rambo series, all of Arnold’s movies, and hell probably even the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Certainly, Tony Jaa has crippled or killed more Thais than anyone else in cinema history. Tony Jaa movies rule because they all stick to an established formula.

Step 1: Tony Jaa has something important taken away from him.

In Ong Bak, it was the head of a Buddha statue. In The Protector, it was a pair of elephants that he was disturbingly fond of. In Ong Bak 2: No Relation To Ong Bak 1, it was his father. One of these things is worthless, one is important, and one is yummy... I’ll let you figure out which is which. In any event, all of these things mean a lot to Tony Jaa. If you take them away, he will come after you with a single-minded determination, not unlike a small Thai terminator who uses mind blowing martial arts maneuvers instead of guns and explosions. This brings us to the next step.

Step 2a: Tony Jaa fights individuals who practice different martial arts styles.

Tony Jaa’s movies are a celebration of martial arts much in the same way World War II was a celebration of ballistic science. In order to maximize the festive atmosphere, Tony Jaa will introduce many different martial arts styles, all of which eventually get crushed by the vicious knee and elbow strikes of Muay Thai. If you’re lucky, your favorite martial art might put up a minute’s worth of fighting against him. Otherwise, be glad your guy at least got to be able to do a pre-fight pose before getting punched in the chest while taking a knee to the gut and another punch to the chest.

Step 2b: Tony Jaa dones some mind blowing acrobatics.

As much as Tony Jaa loves the wholesale slaughter of human beings, he also appreciates insane acrobatics. This often leads to some of the most memorable moments in action cinema. Take this example for consideration. The most memorable moment in Jean Claude Van Damme’s Bloodsport, easily one of the greatest documentaries about underground street fighting ever made, was when he went blind and successfully landed a punch on his sighted opponent. That’s pretty hardcore, right? Well the most memorable moment in The Protector has Tony Jaa running about 8 feet up a glass window, and backflipping over an ATV just before it crashes through the window and lands on the floor a dozen feet below. I don’t know, but I think Tony Jaa slightly edges out Van Damme.

Step 3: Tony Jaa utterly destroys a whole lot of people in rapid succession.

Remember step 2a, in which Tony Jaa fights a bunch of random martial artists one on one? Turns out he was just humoring them; he’d rather just fight everyone at the same time and get it done with quickly. He’s a busy guy after all. At this stage of the movie, the big baddie is out of ideas. Clearly, the 19,000 other guys they sent to take out Tony Jaa were just morons. That’s what you get for recruiting henchmen from Retard Academy. This batch of 19,000 will totally be good. In the end, though, we learn a valuable life lesson. Yamamoto Tsunetomo said in the Hagakure that in a thunderstorm, you can run under the awnings of various buildings, but you’ll still get soaked by the rain when you move between buildings. Similarly, you can do everything in your power to stop Tony Jaa from reaching you and ruining your day. But the outcome is still inevitable: you will probably get thrown through a building by a Muay Thai knee strike that seems physically impossible.

Tags: Tony Jaa